"There is no beauty that is attractive without happiness."

10:12pm: It's about time for an update.
I didn't go trick or treating because i guess i had an attitude with my dad so he said i couldnt go so i had a sucky night

I'm failing 4 out of 6 classes. I don't even know why i'm failing most of them it's so retarded.

I got a detention today for a stupid reason cause i took a 5 minute break from my work. Ms Durst is a bitch.

I went to church today and it was gay. I dont think i'm ever going back there again. It's so freaking pointless. Jordan kept blowing kisses at me too. Gross. Allen didnt even go cause he was too busy hanging out with a girl he likes hahaha nice. He's turning into a whore and something he's not. Alex was there and turns out he likes me. That's what his friend Jeff said and Brittany and Heather said he did too. He thinks i'm cute. Well, Too bad for him cause I don't like him like that. He's kinda ugly.

Things with me and Matt aren't really happening. I'm not even gonna look for him in the halls anymore or walk with him. I guess I just give up on him and all guys.

1:29am:

10:01pm: My dad went on this business trip so he's been gone since Sunday morning and it really sucks.
Whenever he calls guess who is the only one who never gets a chance to talk to him.. me.
Everyone else doesn't even bother asking me if i want to talk to him. I really miss him.

I never even got to say goodbye to him before he left. No one even told me he was leaving or anything so i pretty much didnt even know he was going to leave.

7:50pm: its funny how one minute you can be the happiest youve ever been and the next pissed off and mad

i cant do halloween this year cause my mom says she has no extra money. i wonder why maybe cause she blew it all on those fucking useless decorations that will jsut end up being thrown away. i didnt even get to carve a damn pumpkin.

10:13pm: I've been thinking and learning about who I am lately and i've realised a lot of things that you probably never realised so i'm gonna take the time to just give you a general introduction to what I think of myself.

-My name is Samantha. I don't like to go by Sam or Sammy, I prefer to go by my birth name, Samantha. Samantha just seems more sophisticated to me and Sam or Sammy just seems a bit too childish. Sam reminds me of a boy name and makes me feel like a boy.
-My mom isn't my best friend and the mall isn't my life and never will be. I'm not really into Abercrombie, All of their clothes look exactly alike but occasionally i'll go in there and buy a pair of jeans. I'm not really into expensive purses, It's just a purse for god's sake. Do you really think anyone is going to care how much you paid for it? That just shows how stupid you are because you could get a ton more stuff than just a purse for $150-$300 and 30 years from now I seriously doubt anyone will remember what you're purse or clothing looked like.
-I'm a Cheerleader but I don't have the "Cheerleader Attitude" that you would expect me to have. I'm not all stuck-up and every other word that comes out of my mouth isn't "ohhmygawsh" or "like" or "totally" I do Cheerleading because it's fun and a challenge and it's also a really good way to make friends.
-I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't care what people think of me, Cause I do. If I didn't care what people thought of me.. I wouldn't go to school with my hair brushed, clean clothes, teeth cleaned, and make up on. I personally do not care what people think of me as a person. I am who I am and i'm not going to change that to fit your picture of myself.
-I'm not a fan of drama. I'm actually sick of it more than anything else in the world. If you can't get along with someone then don't talk to them or work it out in a polite manner. Don't use violence to back yourself up, Because in the end violence loses and causes more problems than there were before. I'd rather talk it out and catch the problem.
-I'm very outspoken. I'm very honest, If something looks bad on you I will not tell you it looks good just to make you feel better about yourself. I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you it looks bad and i'll try to help you find something that looks better on you. If I have a problem with you or if you're getting on my nerves, I'll tell you because I really do want to help people realise their problems. I'm sure if it's bugging me it's bugging at least one other person as well and recognizing the problem is always a good thing, Because there is always a solution to anything.
-I've never actually gone to church. I've gone to summer camps at churches. Starting Wednesday I will begin the habit of going to church. I have nothing to believe in right now, I have no religion. Church is going to give me the ability to believe in something and the strength to always hold on and believe in anything. I can't wait. This is something i've been missing in my life for a very long time and i'm just glad it's finally going to fill that missing space in my life.

Well, Leave me some comments because I took the time to write this and everything. I love you all so much! Thanks for everything!
LoveSamantha

9:18pm: Ima get get get you drunk..
I hate people who are all stuck up and into themselves and how they look. I looked like crap today, I didn't feel like looking pretty today. Okay? Go fuck yourself if you don't like it =D

I saw Joe today. I haven't seen him since June 9th, It was so awesome. He actually knew who I was too!

Our last football game that we are cheering at is tomorrow, it kinda sucks. I'm gonna miss football cheer, but onto Competitive Cheer. It's gonna be amazing this year. I better be in at least 2/3 rounds.

Anyways, I'm sick of people and how they like go up to you and be like "STOP FLIRTING WITH SO&SO" Kayla did that liek 2,000 times today. I almost smacked her at one point. She can go fuck herself. Just because you trip eachother doesnt mean you're flirting. Matt put his arm around me and she goes "you're such a whore" yeahh.. she can fuck herself. I'm not going out with him he's just my friend. Then, Kyle asked me for a hug so I gave him one and shes just ugh giving me dirtyy looks.

Flirting/Whoreish activity is not--
Talking to the person
Smiling around the person
Hugging a person
Letting the person grab your ass

Oh yeah and if one more person says shit about my friend Kaymi i'm going to kick their ass im so sick of people and their need to spread rumors. Go back to fucking middle school and choke on your god damn slushie while you're there.

7:29pm: Totally went to Plato's Closet. It was hottt. I got 3 new pairs of jeans for $50 when I originally would have spent umm.. $150

Hahahah yeahhh. Gotta love places like that mannn. And I went to Party City which was also awesome cause like I didn't know what to be for Halloween so we just looked around. I saw some stuff I liked, I can't be anything scary cause my brother will freak.. Ugh.

I think everyone does fall in love during the winter. Like everyone thinks Matt&I are going out. Hahahahhaah no.

3:33pm: Being sick is overrated..
Sick, Sick, Sick. I hate it, It's worse than anything else in the world. I really hope that all of you don't get what I have it's horrible. Well, I didn't go to cheerleading practice last night I could barely move and I didn't have the energy to get the phone and call Tasha so my mom is going to do that tonight. I didn't go to school either, I woke up my head hurt like one of those ones where it feels like someone is throwing a pan or something on your head and stabbing you in the head and it hurt so bad, the room started spinning and I spent like 15 minutes in the bathroom and I ended up throwing up and then taking an Advil and going back to sleep for a few extra hours before my doctor appointment. It had the worst stomache ever, It was like really sharp stabbing pains in the middle of my stomach it killed so I had a really hard time getting back to sleep. I woke up and showered cause I felt discusting and scrubby. Then I went to the my doctor appointment and they gave me a prescription and then they made me get a lung x-ray to make sure I didn't have neumonia(sp?). Thankfully, I didn't have it. Yay! I've been sleeping like all day and yesterday I slept from 3PM-10PM! I feel so much better than I did earlier this morning and everything. Gosh, I thought I was going to die cause it hurt so much. So, That's the whole reason why I wasn't in school tonight&etc.

I feel so different lately. I feel like i'm not a good enough friend to all of my friends, which i'm probably not. So i'm gonna spend sometime working on becoming a better friend. I'm not as crazy as I was last year i'm way more mature which is kind-of scary. I saw like a million elderly people at the doctor's office today. It kinda scared me. What if I become that old and not get enough out of my teenage years and being a kid? I don't know. I think I just need to have fun for a while and do some crazy things. I don't wanna grow up too fast and I wanna enjoy my life as long as I can. You only get to be a kid once, afterall<3

Please keep my amazing good friend Brittany Ramos in your praires(sp?) She was hit by a car this morning and I don't know if she's alive or okay. I'm scared.. if she dies i'm just going to cry my heart out and I probably won't have much to say for a very long time. I'm scared, I've never lost one of my friends and I just really hope she's okay. Just please pray for her, That's all I want from you.

9:57pm: Right now all i have is livejournal, it's a weird feeling but i like it. Xanga kinda caused too much drama and all I ever did was write about my day and occasionally write what was on my mind but not usually. On Livejournal, I can write about whats on my mind and not be afraid of what people may think or say cause people who go to my school won't be reading it. I love that feeling.

I'm done waiting around for you to come back to me, im done playing your stupid silly games, i'm not gonna wait for you anymore or deal with you anymore. so go date all of those other girls but when you dont have them anymore you'll realise how much you really did care about me and you know what? i wont feel bad for you cause ive moved on and now you can go through what i went through
^I wrote taht and its dedicated to Allen (obviously)lol


ill leave you guys with a poem
at this very minute someone...
is thinking of you
cares about you
misses you
wants to hold your hand
wants you to be happy
wants to hug you
will do anything for you
needs to know your love is unconditional
wants to tell you how much they care
wants to stay up late watching movies w/ you
wants to hold you in their arms
wants to see you
wants to be your lover
loves you for who you are
loves the way you make them feel
wants to be with you
wants you to know they are there for you
is glad that you're their friend
is wishing you would notice them
wants to get to know you better
wants to hear your voice
and..loves you
<3 awe that is so cute i cant believe that

12:31am: Matt is just wow.. one of the sweetest most amazing guys ive ever met. Mann do i love that kid. I would go out with him but i dont have the time and everything and he understands that and hes gonna wait for me which is like the sweetest thing a guy can do!!!! He always calls me beautiful and always constantly reminds me that he cares about me. He said when he hugs me everything in the world is right for him which wow.. to hear a guy say that means something. He says he loves me more than ill ever know and hes not looking for anyone else, just me. He says when he talks to me everything that was wrong is now better..ahh we tlak about everything and anything. i love him.. sooo much..

Guys... I think i just found someone.. someone new. someone better than Allen.
Its official, I've moved on.

9:24pm: I took the whole day off today. I didn't go to school. I just slept. All day. Well, Until 2 o'clock. It was amazing.

I'm less stressed out now. It's great. I'm actually in a very good mood. Steve's Halloween Party tomorrow. Going with Kayla, Lauren and Jessica. We're being regular 14 year olds for the Halloween thing hahahaha lets see if we can pull that off, Oh i bet we could! That's the hottest costume right now. Seriously it just is.

Missy, Lia, Brittany i love you thanks for being there and everything when i needed you. Missy the things you said, I ignored but now im realising how right you were. I love you guys!!!!!! You guys are like the greatest friends ever!!!!!!

<3 Samantha

10:24pm: i give up on everything.
im not even going to try anymore.

10:43pm: I still have to do my powerpoint slideshow and Algebra Homework.
All due tomorrow + other things but im not going to do them til other classes.

We had a salt war in 6th hour between me, Paolo, Nick and Kristin. Guess who dominated.. Yeah.. Paolo and I did! Hahahah they got OWNED so bad. We're the best table washers ever..

I had an ortho appointment this morning so my teeth KILL rightnow.
Im getting grape soda to soothe the feeling hahaha

9:38pm: Paolo's back from being suspended for 2 weeks! I missed him! 6th hour just wasnt the same..

Yeah like EVERYONE loves my nails. (I got them did on Saturday. French manicure babayy course its better than a regular one)

So far im not doing Competitive cheerleading im really sick of the same shit happening over n over again and it just never stops so im currently not doing it. Neither is Jennifer which makes me happy cause im not the only flyer not doing Competitive.

No first hour, Second hour or Third hour tomorrow. YAYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I LOVE ORTHO APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!!!

Matt likes me again. To go out with him or to not go out with him.. That is ze question.
I NEED SOME ANSWERS..

10:05pm: Homecoming Pictures.

Our cheer team, and our mascot. Eww i look grosss.

Brittanni's awesome Pyramid. I`m the one on the right flying. yeahh we were saying words so thats why my face looks so retarted

MY HAIR. 70 bobbypins baby.

That would be me.

Again

MY GROUP

Me again

MY GROUP

AGAIN

7:14pm: Homecoming=Blahh.

I have pictures, Ill figure out how to get them up on here somehow.

9:28pm: I had the funniest day ever today..
1st hour is so gay cause I don't sit by Talie Wacka, Doodle (Jenny) and Boobless Bow anymore. Stupid Ms Durst needs to go die omg. Yeah at least im OUTTA that class in 2nd semester. Somethin to look forward too. I DEFEATED MARCUS IN FRENCH!!! Hahah omg that kid is like a genius and guess who beat him? THE STUPID BRUNETTE! Yess. I also won Bingo a total of 2 times. Heckkk yes. More than anyone else in the class. 3rd hour is so funny. Keith and I are pretty crazy kids. He tried biting me today lmao that was just interestinggg.. we had coaching today and Lauren, Jessica and I just sat and blew grass ahahahahahah that sounds so wrong but it makes a pretty cool noise i only got it to work once tho. Omg Brooke is the CUTEST 5th grader I know. Goshh shes so little..She looks liek a 2nd grader
DID I JUST CALL A LITTLE KID CUTE?
Wtf is wrong with me... ahahahahahhaha

HOMECOMING IS THIS WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKEND. Homecoming game = Friday. Dance = SATURDAY. I FRICKIN LUV MY GROUP!!! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DANCE OFF HAHAHAHAHAHA. Me and Lauren are gonna do the fish and wipe everbody out. We're gettin pics taken at Wedgewood Park so hopefully ill have sum to show you people. (Missy&Britt) haha you guys are the only cool peoples that read my LJ anyways.

PS: SIZE DOES MATTER!

10:30pm: So. Things are getting somewhat better for me I think.
My eating habits are back to normal for now. Yayyyyyy.

My grades suck, What else is new? I can't find the energy to take the time to do all of my Homework and study for all of my quizzes/tests. I can't even find the time with cheerleading and everything else going on in my life. It leaves me no time to think about my life and everything around me. It pretty much sucks

According to Matt&Tristan i'm a goodie-goodie because I wouldn't flash them. Um, I'm just not a whore. And it's not my fault they're desperate little perverts. Yeah. I hate them both and I wish for someone to just drop a rock on their face. Keith called me and it was hilarious cause he calls NO ONE. He calls me and i'm like "Who the hell is this" and he goes "Keith" and i'm like no way. and we argued for like 10 minutes about that. He called me cause my away message said "Call Me" ahahaha. He's so weird, I love that kid though. He's pretty much the only person who doesn't annoy me.

I got asked to Homecoming by 8 guys. I said no to every single one of them. Why? I don't want to go to Homecoming with a boy. Boys cause tons of drama and I just want it to be a fun night with just my friends and I. Supposibly, Jeff and Danny like me. Greattt. That adds to the like 10 people who like me. I wish I wouldn't have changed how I look this year. I hate having all these guys like me and then realising I like none of them back.
It's pretty pointless

I have a headache, It's HORRIBLE. I've had it ever since I went BMXing with Jeff, Danny, Justin, Adam, Max and Allen. Yes, I did say BMXing and I didn't just sit there on my bike. I jumped over the frickin jumps and got madddd air. You're all jealous. And of course Jeff and I talked about Maria and Jordan. Our awesome dirtbiking friends =D Yeahh. He thinks i'm hott and wants to tap my ass. That's realllly sad. Too many guys like my ass.. Grrr. I hate that. Once again I ask myself, Why did I have to change how i look?

I got a new user picture. Are you proud of me? It's time to move on and realise that i shouldn't wait around for Allen to come back to me. If he wants me back, He'll ask me back out. So until then.. I guess i'll just move on to the next best thing even if it's not him.

12:51am: We wrote a paper called "About Me" last year and I realised everything I wrote in there wasn't even close to who I really am. Who am i? I could be practical and answer like this.. "I am Samantha Anderson, I was born on April 16th, 1991" But I know i'm so much more than that, I have more personality and more things to me other than just my name and my birthdate.

I guess I really don't know who I am. But does anybody at this age? I'm not sure. I just know that I do not know who I am, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I don't know what love is, I don't know a whole lot of things right now. What I do know is.. who I am inside. There's so much more to me then you'll probably ever know. Sure at school I may constantly smile and constantly laugh but does that tell you everything about me? Does that tell you that when i'm not around my friends, when i'm not at
school and when i'm not around people that deep down i'm not happy. I'm not smiling. I hardly ever laugh at my own house. I fight with my mother, I fight with my brothers. I haven't talked to my Grandma since January. I've never actually had a full conversation with my mom, It always ends in some kind of negative way wheither it's arguing/disagreeing or just plain fighting... I guess this is what I get for fake smiling for so long, So long that I don't even know what a real smile feels like anymore. Most people can't tell a real smile from a fake one cause I fake it so well. I do it for myself and hope that i'll actually be smiling in the end but all I do is continously throw on a fake smile right before I grab my bag and head for the door to the bus and then of course off to school.. & cheerleading I constantly want to be perfect, I'm constantly comparing myself to others and most of the time it's the other person who's life I want to have or something along the lines of that. If i make a mistake on a paper or note, I don't just scratch it out or erace it. I litterly get out a new clean peice of paper and start over again or i'll re-write it so it's neater and easier to read.

I guess I want a lot of things in life as well. Everyone wants something though. I have loads of wants, Too many for my mind to control. Sometimes I just wish they'd all disappear and be gone forever, But no matter what I do to try to get rid of them or avoid them it just seems like more and more wants just keep piling into my mind and I always seem to find new ideas of something I want or would love to have.

12:52pm: Yesterday I drank a little more than half of my Vanilla Bean Frappachino.
I had two potato chips and threw them away cause i couldnt taste them.
I ate 3/4 of a hotdog and felt so sick afterwords, I just wanted to throw up. I HATE hotdogs.
Then i ate half of two marshmellows...gross.

Yeah.. I ate a ton

Woke up today and had 2 mini donuts.. I really just wanna puke right now too.

12:49pm: So.. I don't have a boyfriend anymore.
I already miss him. I'm not gonna update for a while.

12:41am: Wow.
So, I pretty much love my boyfriend. Very much.. He makes me so happy. He's amazing.

I'm talking to my mom on AIM, I know how weird. But she IMed me and so we're talking about like everything and anything. I love my mom now.

I've never said that.. EVER..
wow.

1:26am: Well, I went to Terra's Bonfire. There was a lot of people there. There was Terra, Therese, Katie, Monique, Brandon, Laderious Mitchell, Sam, Brittany, Erica, Brittney, Cody, and Erin. It was really fun. Otherthan the smoking that a few people chose to do there. I'm not giving out most of their names cause some of them do have Xanguh and i'm sure they don't want things to be spread about them even if they are true. I'm not happy with the choice they made and I definitely do NOT support it! Anyone who does obviously has no clue of what the dangers are. Anyways, I made Terra throw hers down. I can't stand seeing one of my good friends wasting her life away like that. By smoking your pretty much just asking to die, She chose to do it cause she was under a lot of stress. I almost cried, But who could blame me. So there was this guy at Terra's Bonfire and he was offering to buy us Pot&Alcohol. I didn't really like the fact that he offered to do that, Because we are underage. But then again so was he and where the Bonfire took place was at my old neighborhood and I never really realised how bad of a neighborhood it was. Most of you who are reading this are probably thinking "Wow, She's such a goodie-goodie" But what can I say, I don't want to be part of that kind of crowd. I don't want to make a mistake that's going to affect my body or affect my future. I care about my future and my body, That's not a bad thing. I care what goes into it. By the way, the only reason I got a New Xanguh is cause my mom found my old one.

I feel like i'm gonna pass out. My head hurts so much and I just recently got really dizzy. I'm not sure why and i'm not even sure how my head started hurting. All I know is it really hurts! Oh and yeah I did eat like 10 minutes ago so it's got nothing to do with eating. I feel like i've aten too much this week though. Last week, I hardly ate anything. I ate like one meal a day and I was happy with it. The only reason i'm eating a lot now is because a few people noticed I wasn't eating as much as I use to so i've been eating a lot to pretty much convince them that i'm not turning anorexic or whatever cause they thought i was. I was actually happier when I was eating one meal cause I felt like i was actually doing something beneficial for myself and knowing i wouldn't gain a ton of weight made me feel better about myself. I have an issue with my stomach, I feel like i'm fat all the time and I feel like everyone thinks i'm fat. I saw a picture of myself a while ago and ever since i've been wanting to lose weight. Who knows though. I guess i'll just follow my mind instead of my heart on this one, since my heart has no clue what to do and i'll keep you guys posted like I always do<3

10:18pm: I'm so fake. I pretend i'm happy most of the time, Even though i'm really not. I don't even feel like explaining whats going on cause I know people are going to say something I really don't feel like hearing. I guess i'll explain. Lately, meaning ever since last monday, I haven't been eating normal. I don't eat three meals. I eat one and maybe one or two snacks. I don't feel hungry anymore, I hate eating. I tried eating two peices of pizza and it makes me feel sick now. I use to be able to eat three. I'm not sure why. My family pretty much hates me, Most of them already did before. I feel like i'm never gonna be good enough for them. I feel like I can't make them happy no matter what I do. I feel bad for my friends cause they don't know half the shit that's going on in my life right now and if I explained everything they'd make me see a shrink or something.. I use to be happy. Key word: USE. I don't feel happy anymore, I just throw on a smile and go with the flow. I do things I dont even wanna do anymore. I do things because I think I have to. I can't wait for school to start. Less time spent at home! It's gonna be great.. Lately i've been sneaking outta the house cause I can't stand being here. I don't know how much longer I can live here and actually enjoy it. I hate where I live, Its pretty much a funsucker. Oh well, I've got like 4 more years to go. K i'm done.

10:46pm: I'm not happy
i can't lie to you guys anymore. I'M NOT HAPPY. I've been faking that i'm happy for about a month now. I'm sick of lying to you guys.. I've been crying every single day and I can't take much more of everything going on at home anymore. I can't handle it. My parents think I lie to them, They treat me like shit.. I'm done with it. Tomorrow, If I don't come home from cheerleading practice it's because i've ran away. I don't know when or if i'll even be back. I dont even know where i'm going. All I have is me, my bike, clothes, a pair of shoes, and money. That's enough to get me by. I dont know how much more of this I can take, I've almost concidered cutting myself once again just to relief the pain. But if I do it this way by running away it won't be hurting me, It'll be benefiting me. I can't wait to get away from here. My mom and I have been fighting since I was 8 and its just gonna be amazing to get away from all of that. My dad doesnt even care about me, He told me im not allowed to talk to him anymore. All my parents ever do is yell at me. No matter what I do, Its never good enough. and it wont ever be good enough. You say things will get better.. WHAT IF THEY DONT. What if they never get better. Chances are if I ever do something violent to myself it'll be all because of them and I wanna prevent that. So i think running away is the best bet. Talking to them doesnt help, they ignore me like i'm some stupid rock. Maybe someday you'll understand what's all happening but maybe you won't. I can't even explain half of the things that go on in this house. Most of you who know my parents SHOULD know that they're only acting nice. I wish they treated me like they treated you. My dad has hit me a few times in the past and that's another reason why I wanna get away from here. I'm scared of him. When i'm around my friends i'm happy because its pretty much all I have. I dont have a real family, I wouldnt EVER call the people i live with family. My brothers always tell me how ugly I am and how much they hate me and my mom calls me ugly, bitch, slut, whore and tons of other stuff. My dad calls me a bitch, snob, and tons of other stuff. I hate it, How can you expect me to see that theres good in this when really there isnt. I throw on a fake smile everyday and that's the truth. I have to pretend i'm happy to hide all the pain.

-xxx- Samantha